I have been neglecting this blog. Somewhat purposely, solely because I feel I have nothing of significance to write about. My life hasn't been that interesting. At the same time, it has. I could write about every detail of the goings-on in my life since I have last written on here, but I'm not going to.
In a little bit my brother and I will be leaving to spend New Years Eve with our friends in Grand Rapids. It's good to get a change of scenery and to welcome the new year with friends. There has been drama, oh yes, but who doesn't go through a little bit of drama? Life does what it can to overcomplicate the story of my journey (or the experience rather). I am tired and drained, stressed, over thinking, wishful, hopeful, doubtful; a grand cocktail of emotions that has left me physically taxed out.
I have cried more this year, felt more, grew more into a woman who I respect (because, really, you should respect yourself and like where you're heading in life- no matter your current situation). I have felt such a growth in me this past year than I ever have in my 23 years of living. I am being pushed down and pulled in many directions by the enemy (because of the enemy sees a chance to literally f*ck up my life), but I am grounding myself in faith because I know the love God has for me is deeper than any human bond. I am thankful for that.
I am also thankful for another lie that has been taking over me for a while. It's okay to be angry with God sometimes. I don't ever hate God, don't think that this is my meaning. But like any relationship- a person will get angry; just like how God gets angry with me, sometimes (or rather disappointed is that word I'm going for). I have moments of abandonment because I fear God isn't with me when I step on a landmine in life. I become hesitant to share with Him. But this voice inside me (and with the help of talking this through with my Pastor) says that it's okay I'm angry, "share with Me all of your pain and joys. I want to hear everything." It's a great feeling to share not just the happy occurrences but also the struggles.
I am struggling now. I am trying to remain sane and present, unfortunately, though, I feel darkness creep into my thoughts and negativity flow through my veins. I feel choked by the shittiness of everything going on as if I were choking on the cloud of smoke that's beginning to descend from the ceiling and entering my lungs. The smoke is harsh words and bad feelings, it's exhausting and I can't escape sometimes. Thankfully, I have moments of relief- breathing peacefully when I leave this place. This is as much detail I can get into right now. I cannot write specifics, but home is hard. And I'm praying for peace.
I am not going to Grand Rapids so that I may only find relief from the suffocation of my situation, but for this tiny glimpse of hope amongst people. Hope resides in all of us and sometimes, I think, we need to look to others- in the window of their lives (just like how Scrooge sees how happy people are celebrating without him, leaving him to want to celebrate with them and experience that joy), I want to experience that joy too. The love and warmth of being surrounded by others that will encourage you.
This year, has been rough of me. Taking smalls jobs here and there (some jobs that have been rewarded to me as a person, and other jobs that have wounded me severally); feeling hurt from others that are close to you; being bomped on the head by God and telling me to grow up; experiencing closure from a past pain through a dream; and, slowly, beginning to put my faith in friendships. I am opening up, I am growing. Yes, I am hurting now, but I can't help but get excited for this joy that is to come, because joy does come to us (not necessarily through relationships and jobs only, but actual joy that takes over your being). 2014 will probably be just as rough, but it will have moments of love from people, experiences, and connection- all through God. This leaves me smiling.
P.S. I see my Papa Chepe on January 21st. I'm going to El Salvador and will return home February 4th. I'm telling you, 2014 has its perks.
