Length of Happiness is up to you

Right now I'm staring at my ceiling fan. I see I need to dust it the edges of the blades from the accumulated dust of summer. I don't want it to sprinkle onto me in the middle of the night when I turn it on again. Maybe I'll do it in a little bit.

I am thinking about those moments of happiness, those blissful moments given to us by God and how badly I want to hold onto it. But wanting to hold onto it means we aren't enjoying it fully since we're worried about the loss of it. If we wait to lose it, then we'll definitely lose it. This reminds me of something my brother told me a while ago when I was talking about how heartbroken I'll be when the day comes when my Papa Chepe is no longer with us, "If you keep worrying about that, then you'll never enjoy the days you do have with him." (I swear to you, my brother never ceases to amaze me)

God wants us to enjoy those moments of happiness, doesn't He? As it says in Zephaniah chapter 3 verse 17, "he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing." When we are glad, God is glad. We are singing, dancing, rejoicing (or doing whatever else we do) in those moments of happiness. Admit it, we're quite the goofy bunch when we're undefinably happy (or at least I am - and my mom), don't worry about how long it'll last or when it'll be taken from you. I want to say "shame on me" for not allowing myself to be happy. It is something I've been struggling with for years because for years the enemy (who disguised himself as an alternate me) has been sneaking into my thoughts lies, telling me I didn't deserve to be happy or he'd take it away from as quick as it came. I know it in my heart, though, that God wants me to be happy. He quiets my mind, leaving me feeling light, weightless, no stress on in my body. Enjoying the joy, thankful for it, that's what He wants.

Yesterday I was recovering from a medical procedure my doctor felt I should have for my insides (because it's not a five star functioning system) and I received an email from the person I met with last week for an opportunity for a graphic design internship. I can't explain what it was that drew me to this, but I prayed to God that if this is right, if this is what He knows is best for me then I will commit myself to working hard for it. And lo, I was offered a 3 month internship. I'm still happy, squealing, and gushing over it, I'm bathing in that happiness. It is a quiet stillness that covers itself over my body.

Think about it: When you're happy, you deserve it. 

The much anticipated goodbye.

Anyone who's known me for some time may be aware of the fact that for more than six years I've been mourning (at a snails pace) and letting go the final threads of my last serious relationship. I'm not particularly fond of bringing this up but it's a thought that continued to sneak into my current happy thoughts (a thought I know God wishes me to move on from). So, let's do this.

I have given so much power to the entity that was my dysfunctional relationship, that I didn't know who I was anymore without having some form of it in my life. And I'm not going to get into the juicy details of our relationship, but when it was over, when he barely spoke to me, I still gave him my happiness. I committed everything I believed was left of the good and love in me to that ideal image of a happily ever after with that person. I was purposely punishing myself for our relationship's collapse. Thankfully (for me), it wasn't too long ago that I decided (with the help of God holding my hand) that it was time to close this ridiculous collection of chapters and pages of our relationship to its resting place.

After spending this year on my own heart, becoming reacquainted with myself again and falling in love with an almighty God, I know what it means to be loved by Someone who is so great in comparison to what our relationship could have ever offered me. When you receive a teaspoon of that love you know you deserve something better.

I was telling my mom this afternoon, as we were driving to treat ourselves to new accessories, that it was time for me to end this. I haven't spoken with my ex-boyfriend in over three years, and I haven't seen him in two (I spotted him at a concert, which was bound to happen since we have similar tastes in music). I have allowed myself the distance needed for my heart to fully repair itself. I told my mom I know I loved him and that our relationship means so much to me, but it doesn't have to define me anymore.

I have forgiven myself for many of the wrongs I committed towards him (and so many of them were done out of spite and jealousy). I am slowly forgiving him for some of his, which has been difficult. I know I can't forget the cruelty he's done to me purposely, but I can't let his presence linger anymore. It's a weight on my body that I don't need. I wish I could say I have erased him from my memory, like in the film Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, (if only) but it happened and I learned, grew, and came out of it stronger than I was before. I am actually grateful that our relationship happened. It could have been different, but this experience awoken me to a love I know is out there for me.

I can't explain it, but I felt God's presence a while ago. It was my own voice, but it was a whisper. So gentle and sweet, the whisper said to me, "You are loved. I love you. I am here for you, right beside you. You are ready to let go of this pain." I cried as this voice reassured me of a great love that is out there for me. I am loved by my family, by my close friends, and by my Heavenly Father. It felt this love and I knew it was time.

I may never get the closure I think I "deserve" from enduring this hardship, but when God whispered to me, I knew I got my closure. He said it is finished, and it is.

So, I am saying goodbye to my relationship, to any remaining negativity (on my part) with my ex. I am happy I do not feel jealousy knowing he has moved on in his love life. I do not know where he is in his life, personally, but I pray he has found contentment. This isn't to say I won't think of him (after all, he was my first love), but I will no longer give him power over me. I am ready to seek love, to feel love, to be with others without feeling held back. It's with confidence that I write this, no more regret or hesitation thinking that he could come back. I have felt God's love, and He wishes me to experience a love He has created for me without the past dragging me with it.

I made the decision three years ago to end all communication with my ex after being dragged along as nothing for three years after our break up. I began my healing by making the choice that I deserve better. I know I wrote in a previous post that I need to humble myself, but in this instance (and with a nudge from God), I deserve a love that'll fill me up rather than tear me down. And I am so unbelievably, geekily, happily ready to start this next journey of my life with a ready heart.

Necessary Humble Challenge

It was a while ago, but I remember having a discussion with my brother about thoughts (or people and the unbelievably crummy situations I've dealt with) that'll reoccur in my mind. I would sometimes think of a person's face and recollect all the good and bad experiences I've shared with them and literally go from mourning the loss of that friendship to growing angry, hating them for abandoning me. I asked my brother what he thinks it could mean that I continue having these thoughts. 

He said, without making eye contact with me, "When I have those thoughts, it's probably because I have to deal with it."
"Do you think it's God urging us to face that?" I would ask after taking time to process what he said.
"Probably," he'd conclude. Then he'd continue his routine on his tablet, still not breaking his focus on what he's scrolling through. I knew he was listening. My brother always listens, even when I think he's not (unless he's texting, because he's like a Yoda in the texting universe; both knowledgable and wise, as well as entertaining when he says words).

I have no doubt that God wants me to face this problem that'll revisit my mind, but I don't know how to go about doing that, sometimes. The situation won't always be the same, either. One thought could be of a person and my current or former relationship with them, or a length of time in my "younger years," or of a reparation that needs to occur in my heart. And I'm beginning to think that God is challenging me after each emotional thought I tackle, because the load doesn't feel lighter. It's intense and heavy, but a necessary weight to remove from my body so that I can breathe, straighten up, and continue moving forward.

I am challenged now. It's not about a person or former dilemma (although, I will occasionally think back to an event that really altered my life), I am allowing myself to dislike myself. And I don't mean to imply that I dislike the physical appearance of me (this is how my face looks, this is how my body looks), as most of us ladies do, I mean I don't like how I showcase the real me. I've been told, and reminded, that I can be an arrogant person. I didn't want to believe it, but a few days ago I realized I am truly an arrogant person. I have mistaken arrogance for ambition. I thought thinking that I deserve this and this in life (i.e. degree, success, job, job, job, position in life, job) that I would get it. I mainly thought this way because I felt that I worked my ass off to graduate with honors, that I accomplished so many of my goals that I would be rewarded. Life doesn't work this way.

I've been going about my job search all wrong. I would apply for jobs I know I could perform. I was cocky, carrying a smug attitude when going about an application. My mom reminded me (and I really didn't like hearing this from her, especially since I thought mom's should be more supportive than critical) that I need to humble myself because I can be and have been arrogant in my job search. I didn't allow myself to fully digest my mother's words, but the coppery aftertaste remained. 

After a job meeting I had a few days ago I remembered what my mom said to me months prior. My arrogance transferred to the design of my resumé. It was a reflection of me. I worked hard on designing on that for jobs and this person was straight up honest with me. Not holding back at all.

"You have thirty seconds to impress someone with a resumé and I wasn't that impressed," they said after scanning through the neatly folded paper.

I didn't go meet with that person to be torn apart (because, man, did she let me have it with the design of my resumé), I went to meet for a job opportunity. The meeting went well, and I struggled staying face afterwards (unfortunately, I express myself with my face before I can with my words), but I remembered what my mom said to me as I drove home. "You are not a humble person, mi hija." It was then I realized I have no idea what it means to be humble. I don't even think I know what the word honestly means (humble. adjective: not proud or arrogant; modest). Modest? When could I be modest? Where do I even begin?

My grandpa told me, one day after we were blessed with the opportunity to see each other face-to-face on Skype (first time seeing him since I was seven years old- I'll probably talk about this at another time), that he thinks I was very humble when I spoke to him. I told this new revelation to my brother and he said, "sometimes you can be" and continued doing what he was doing (not making eye contact, again). I feel like I'm the real me when I'm speaking with my grandpa. There are no expectations when I speak with him (maybe improving my Spanish, but that's it), I don't have to worry about impressing him, because he already likes talking to me. The hard part is over, just being real is all I have left to do. I don't talk to my grandpa every day, so it is true that sometimes I can be humble. Is it  only when I'm relaxed and comfortable with someone that I'm capable of being humble? How do I humble myself when I'm looking for a job? How do I humble myself when I'm with others? How do I humble myself in real life?

I have acknowledged that I am an arrogant person. I cried after that meeting to my brother, confessing to him that I don't like this factoid about myself. I don't like that I didn't know I was being this arrogant person. I don't like how it's now plaguing my thoughts more than any other. I don't like that I'm recognizing this in myself, but the whole point of having all this time to myself is to discover the truths of my life. Even the nasty ones that no one will look forward to know when getting to know me. So, this is my new challenge for this thought that is creeping on me: You will turn this around and pray for your arrogance to diminish. But you're not going to just sit back and only pray for it happen, you're going to make it happen. You know you're arrogant. What are you going to do about it? Challenge (really, pray and work) myself to becoming the better, truer version of myself.