I have given so much power to the entity that was my dysfunctional relationship, that I didn't know who I was anymore without having some form of it in my life. And I'm not going to get into the juicy details of our relationship, but when it was over, when he barely spoke to me, I still gave him my happiness. I committed everything I believed was left of the good and love in me to that ideal image of a happily ever after with that person. I was purposely punishing myself for our relationship's collapse. Thankfully (for me), it wasn't too long ago that I decided (with the help of God holding my hand) that it was time to close this ridiculous collection of chapters and pages of our relationship to its resting place.
After spending this year on my own heart, becoming reacquainted with myself again and falling in love with an almighty God, I know what it means to be loved by Someone who is so great in comparison to what our relationship could have ever offered me. When you receive a teaspoon of that love you know you deserve something better.
I was telling my mom this afternoon, as we were driving to treat ourselves to new accessories, that it was time for me to end this. I haven't spoken with my ex-boyfriend in over three years, and I haven't seen him in two (I spotted him at a concert, which was bound to happen since we have similar tastes in music). I have allowed myself the distance needed for my heart to fully repair itself. I told my mom I know I loved him and that our relationship means so much to me, but it doesn't have to define me anymore.
I have forgiven myself for many of the wrongs I committed towards him (and so many of them were done out of spite and jealousy). I am slowly forgiving him for some of his, which has been difficult. I know I can't forget the cruelty he's done to me purposely, but I can't let his presence linger anymore. It's a weight on my body that I don't need. I wish I could say I have erased him from my memory, like in the film Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, (if only) but it happened and I learned, grew, and came out of it stronger than I was before. I am actually grateful that our relationship happened. It could have been different, but this experience awoken me to a love I know is out there for me.
I can't explain it, but I felt God's presence a while ago. It was my own voice, but it was a whisper. So gentle and sweet, the whisper said to me, "You are loved. I love you. I am here for you, right beside you. You are ready to let go of this pain." I cried as this voice reassured me of a great love that is out there for me. I am loved by my family, by my close friends, and by my Heavenly Father. It felt this love and I knew it was time.
I may never get the closure I think I "deserve" from enduring this hardship, but when God whispered to me, I knew I got my closure. He said it is finished, and it is.
So, I am saying goodbye to my relationship, to any remaining negativity (on my part) with my ex. I am happy I do not feel jealousy knowing he has moved on in his love life. I do not know where he is in his life, personally, but I pray he has found contentment. This isn't to say I won't think of him (after all, he was my first love), but I will no longer give him power over me. I am ready to seek love, to feel love, to be with others without feeling held back. It's with confidence that I write this, no more regret or hesitation thinking that he could come back. I have felt God's love, and He wishes me to experience a love He has created for me without the past dragging me with it.
I made the decision three years ago to end all communication with my ex after being dragged along as nothing for three years after our break up. I began my healing by making the choice that I deserve better. I know I wrote in a previous post that I need to humble myself, but in this instance (and with a nudge from God), I deserve a love that'll fill me up rather than tear me down. And I am so unbelievably, geekily, happily ready to start this next journey of my life with a ready heart.
After spending this year on my own heart, becoming reacquainted with myself again and falling in love with an almighty God, I know what it means to be loved by Someone who is so great in comparison to what our relationship could have ever offered me. When you receive a teaspoon of that love you know you deserve something better.
I was telling my mom this afternoon, as we were driving to treat ourselves to new accessories, that it was time for me to end this. I haven't spoken with my ex-boyfriend in over three years, and I haven't seen him in two (I spotted him at a concert, which was bound to happen since we have similar tastes in music). I have allowed myself the distance needed for my heart to fully repair itself. I told my mom I know I loved him and that our relationship means so much to me, but it doesn't have to define me anymore.
I have forgiven myself for many of the wrongs I committed towards him (and so many of them were done out of spite and jealousy). I am slowly forgiving him for some of his, which has been difficult. I know I can't forget the cruelty he's done to me purposely, but I can't let his presence linger anymore. It's a weight on my body that I don't need. I wish I could say I have erased him from my memory, like in the film Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, (if only) but it happened and I learned, grew, and came out of it stronger than I was before. I am actually grateful that our relationship happened. It could have been different, but this experience awoken me to a love I know is out there for me.
I can't explain it, but I felt God's presence a while ago. It was my own voice, but it was a whisper. So gentle and sweet, the whisper said to me, "You are loved. I love you. I am here for you, right beside you. You are ready to let go of this pain." I cried as this voice reassured me of a great love that is out there for me. I am loved by my family, by my close friends, and by my Heavenly Father. It felt this love and I knew it was time.
I may never get the closure I think I "deserve" from enduring this hardship, but when God whispered to me, I knew I got my closure. He said it is finished, and it is.
So, I am saying goodbye to my relationship, to any remaining negativity (on my part) with my ex. I am happy I do not feel jealousy knowing he has moved on in his love life. I do not know where he is in his life, personally, but I pray he has found contentment. This isn't to say I won't think of him (after all, he was my first love), but I will no longer give him power over me. I am ready to seek love, to feel love, to be with others without feeling held back. It's with confidence that I write this, no more regret or hesitation thinking that he could come back. I have felt God's love, and He wishes me to experience a love He has created for me without the past dragging me with it.
I made the decision three years ago to end all communication with my ex after being dragged along as nothing for three years after our break up. I began my healing by making the choice that I deserve better. I know I wrote in a previous post that I need to humble myself, but in this instance (and with a nudge from God), I deserve a love that'll fill me up rather than tear me down. And I am so unbelievably, geekily, happily ready to start this next journey of my life with a ready heart.
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