Who I am to my family

One of my many constant thoughts, a thought that has been going neck and neck ahead of all the other thoughts that have been seizing me this past year, is that I don't know where I stand in regards to my family.

I am a sister and daughter, a granddaughter (to my one and only grandpa, Papa Chepe, who I consider to be my other father), as well as niece and cousin. The list could go on because my family is extensive. However, as I've gotten older I realize although we share an ancestry, I don't feel a connection to the majority of my family. 

I don't make much of an effort, anymore, to get to know the rest of my family. As reluctant as I am to write this, I know it to be helpful to express it (at least, it does to me). After completing college to being in this sort of limbo, not knowing what or when my next job could be, I had time to think of my family. Who I am to them and who they are to me. 

Traditionally, the majority of us grow up with the image that family is our blood relations. Your mom's and dad's siblings and their families are your family. There is truth in this but I know for a fact that family is also the friendships we make, the ones we want to hold onto. 

Last week I got together with a friend, who's also friend's with my brother (my brother was present when this conversation took place), and we talked about family. My friend Damon told me he thinks family doesn't stop at just blood ties, but expands to the meaningful relationships we've develop over time. We are born into families and we grow into families. I agree with this thought. If we think about it, we are all children of God, therefore we are all related (that's if you think of the larger image here).

I feel the size of my family has grown, in meaningfulness, as well as it shrunk in numbers (in regards to my blood tied family members), unfortunately. I believe we are part of two sets of families: the one we're born into and the family we make as we grow older into our own identities. I have family who have known me since I was born, friends who've known me since a young age, I've finally accepted the hard truth that they don't really know me. This is all okay with me now (though still sad), because I know who I've become. I am not just my brother's sister or my parent's daughter; I'm a person with my own sets of beliefs, values, likes/dislikes, and many other beautiful, complicated things that make me who I am. Thankfully, I've become part of a family who has accepted me wholeheartedly (at least, I'm pretty sure they do).

This all means so much to me, family matters. For years I was feeling neglected, left alone by my own family (this could also be my own fault since I've stopped reaching out to them, along with caring to). I don't think they, or I (this is debatable) mean to do it on purpose, to go on with their lives without me in it (or me in theirs), but we drift apart. None of this is ever intentional, I'm sure, I don't think we just stop caring for one another, but life goes on whether we like it or not. Becoming our own persons from who we were in childhood and teen years shaped who we were as our families children. Transferring that into who we've grown into as adults is something to think about.

The close friendships I've developed, the vulnerability I've allowed for myself, even if it's just temporary, to experience and open doors for these new people to enter my life has really affected me. I may not be able to see all of my blood-related family as often as I wish (the very large number of them), but I have a nice, small, intimate family of friends who have welcomed me into their lives. It isn't obligation anymore because of blood ties or forced politeness, but acceptance of the heart. A connection with others; a deeper, meaningful relationship forming with these individuals who want to get to know me, who know me better than those who've known me longest. I am beginning to feel like I have a family, finally. I mourn the family that I don't know so well anymore (or understand for that matter, at times I question them), but I raise my arms in joy of the family who have granted me the privilege and honor of getting to know them, strengthening our friendship.

It's a sad thought, but a beautiful realization of truth.

I say this: Time.

Who said just because you don't have a job you can't enjoy your life? Why is this thought put in our heads that our life doesn't actually begin until we start our careers? Yes, it'd be ideal to have a career and know what my tomorrow's will look like, but I don't necessarily think that a job defines who I am.

So, I say this: Just because you don't have a job right now, doesn't mean that you're not a nobody or that your life isn't significant, yet (and whoever made you feel like this is a liar). You're actually becoming the better you, if you take the time to think about it, that's a pretty sweet deal. Having all this time to myself has actually helped me in discovering the things that make me happy. I was on the phone with my grandpa tonight and he was telling me that I am a girl of many talents (this conversation was entirely in Spanish, something I couldn't accomplish a year and a half ago). Papa Chepe (that's what I call my grandpa) was explaining to me that I will continue to "roll out" new details about myself, exploring more of what I can do. I thought, "Hell yeah! That's what I'm talking about. This is basically sums up what I've been feeling about this past year of joblessness." Could this man be more wonderful?

That isn't to say I don't have my moments of unhappiness. There are times I will feel like a failure when I receive the emails or phone calls from a job I applied for, with hopes of being hired, that I am not what they are looking for in a candidate. It can be draining, infuriating, and disappointing (trust me, you are not alone in this). I know these feelings all too well. Committing time to job hunting is essential to finding a job, yes, but I don't think I have to job hunt eight hours a day (job hunting will feel like a job in itself after a while, though – you just won't get paid for it). I now commit to two to three hours of job hunting, three days a week, max now. There are other hours in the days, other days in the week, to do things that are good for you.

Example: I may not always go out taking photos (or "capturing moments" as so many of my friends put it), but I spend more time taking photos of what awakens the artistic-moment-sharing self in me. I'm not rushed. I haven't read a countless list of books, but I read what pleases me, what feeds my hunger for character discovery. I have watched more films, jotted or sketched out ideas. I have spent more time getting to know what I like than I have in the fourteen years of schooling. School has contributed a bit to my likes and dislikes, but with all this time, without any worry of deadlines or what classes to schedule next semester, I realized there are so many things I love that I can't even put it into words. I feel the joy.

Now, I am about to go into detail of what has helped me realize why I deserve to be happy (the keyword being: deserve). The most important joy I've felt this past year is my relationship with God. I spent my senior year of college away from God on purpose. I was driven to finish my last year with good grades and 100% commitment to school. I accomplished my academic goals, but I was never fully satisfied. That is because my soul knew that I needed more than just these earthly things to define who I am. I needed God. I spent so much time praying, talking, apologizing, crying to God. I got to know who He is again and I have spent this time strengthening my bond to Him. I have felt that by spending this year with not only with discovering myself, but with God, I feel more fulfilled. My journey isn't over yet, though, I continue to grow and learn.

I am bettering myself, day-by-day, because I know God doesn't want me to walk into a job as the broken person I once was. He has been preparing me, healing me, bringing to light what He wishes for me to do. I have faith in this. That's what this year of self-discovery as a post-grad has granted me. Time. Taking time for myself, finding out what I love, learning to be happy and not miserable all the time just because I haven't found that job for me yet. Spending time with people I love, people who matter and love me back as I love them. It is important for your soul to take part in what makes you happy (at least what I believe to be important). And I strongly feel that God doesn't want His children, His works of art He created (think about it, we are His works of art), to feel like they are nothing; we deserve complete joy because He made us His beautiful masterpieces. Just remember that those moments of crumminess, they won't last forever (something I continue to tell myself every day), it's all about the joy. Even if your belief in God is different than mine, you can't deny that doing what makes you laugh isn't one of the best feelings in the world (unless working makes you happy, in which case, this is totally irrelevant to you).

To make a long story short: TREAT YOURSELF TO HAPPINESS!

Revelation About Myself: Prelude

I'm not quite sure what appropriate words I could use to formulate sentences with this next entry. Do I want to be poetic or honest? It's really my brother who has a way with words in the family, I'm just fumbling along. I know what I feel, just not how to explain.

Perhaps I could elaborate on what it is I feel. It has come to my attention that I have been, possibly always will be, a person who feels everything at once. I am an emotional absorbent sponge. My mind is constantly racing, thinking back to how I felt four years ago, last week, or how I'll feel in twelve days. I am all over the place. At times I don't consider this to be too much of a bad thing, but it can get me into trouble.

I am one of those people who refuses to forget any good thing that comes my way, as well as any wrong done to me. Forgive and forget comes to mind, but I don't live by that saying. I am the master of holding a grudge. I find it impossible to forgive people (it's an annoying feature of mine, but I can't forgive someone when they've injured my heart. But I will forgive someone for taking advantage of me for a class or favor. Repeatedly! Messed up, isn't it?). How does that even work? Why is my personality like this? This horrible part of me has surfaced more this past year and I don't like how it's actually taken hold of my sweetness (believe it or not, but I can still be a sweet person to someone).

Let me paint a picture for you: I used to be (and still can be) a bubbly-gooey-always-ready-for-a-hug-fun-loving kind of person. If we're going to be honest here, I love people, truthfully. I find people attractive. I love watching their mannerisms, the way they'll laugh after I've told a joke, even the way their faces crease when they're feeling any kind of emotion. I'm a studier. I study people. I have been studying people for as long as I could remember and that has aided me when it comes to making friends. I see what makes a person happy, therefore I want to make them happy. I'm a people pleaser.

Unfortunately that hasn't always been my greatest feature because once someone sees past my rough exterior (and I really can be a hard person to get to know if I'm in that kind of mood) they will use me to their hearts content. I never see this happening until I'm in the middle of doing something ridiculous to help that person. Why do I do this? Not only do I strive to please my friends, I am an extremely gullible person. I will believe everything you tell me because I have fallen in love with you (not love-love, but I love you deeply as a friend) and I want to believe in the best part of you. Doing whatever I can to help you is what I do when I enter a friendship with someone. You know what, someone should slap me in the face, because I'm stupid.

For years I have put my trust in the wrong people that I don't even want to try anymore. Loving people hurts, especially when they've dried you up and tossed you aside. I'm a lonely raisin. I could go on about this forever, but I've decided I'll discuss this more at a later post (possibly, I'm reluctant about this). Trust me when I say this: I need to learn to say "no" to people who don't actually love me. I'm learning. Hopefully. I don't want to be someone who gets taken advantage of. I don't consider my desire to help others as a flaw, but it's become my kryptonite.

Writing this, of course, has made me angry. I feel that because I feel everything I won't allow myself to experience the joy friendships bring to an individual. Being alone is easy but it's always quiet. I have no problem in loving myself, getting to know who I am and what I like, but I do miss sharing these thoughts with someone. I said I'm a person who feels everything, well I refuse to feel anything towards people. I have successfully built a "bitch please, leave me alone" double concrete walls around myself, just so nobody can hurt me again. Learning to appreciate myself this past year is awesome, but watching myself purposely pushing people away hasn't been all too fun. I let the wrong people in and damage my foundations, and as I'm trying to rebuild all the damage that's been done and the right kind of people want to get to me, I close the door.

Having this year to reflect on the wrongs I've committed and continue to commit opened my eyes that I need to accept the fact that people will hurt you, but a friendship can be a beautiful thing to have if I let it happen. I don't think I would have discovered this about myself if I hadn't had so much time to myself. I wish I was working, yes, but no repair can happen on my heart and body if I just jumped from college to working. I'd know the problem was there, but I'd be too busy to face it dead-on.

Think about it. If you didn't have to worry about work, payments, school, and actually took time, and I mean real time, for yourself you might actually realize that those problem you've been avoiding, allowing to build up for years, is actually eating away at you. Who has time to try and dig to the root of the problem? Well, I have had time. I want to control all the emotions I'm feeling and become this individual who loves herself and people. I know I said I love people, and I do, but I can hate them, too (rather strongly, also). I want to change.

Remember what you wanted to be when you grew up?

We used to paint these mental images of who we were going to be when we grew up. The picture we created as children of what our adult lives could turn into. I imagined I'd be married after graduating college, becoming a teacher, and living in a nice house, eating only hashbrown and spaghetti. That did not happen.

I realized I do not have the patience to deal with children or teenagers, so I did want to teach. I also have not married anyone either because my last serious relationship ended in the middle of college. It was unnecessarily difficult. Suffocating me, keeping me caged (caged bird, get it?). I don't want to be eating only hashbrown and spaghetti since my food palette has evolved since I was six years old, but I still want some kind of happy ending. I still daydream of the possibilities that could take place in my life. I'm only twenty-three, my life isn't over (although my ten year old self would think I was really old and be amazed that I still have no clue what to do with my life. I'm sorry ten year old self). It's just beginning, in fact.

I do find it a bit ridiculous that as we age from ten to twenty we have to start making real-life decisions for ourselves. You can no longer create bullet-point lists as to what you want to be in life like you did in grade school. You're being tested into career categories where you can apply your skills to a specific job area. Every choice you make defines you. It's silly. So if I am actually decent in biology I have to become a marine biologist? Or if I'm interested in art I could use that to become an architect. I'm not saying these are bad careers to get into, but the idea is silly to me. What if I like writing and sketching and marine biology? What if I enjoy reading books and watching movies, as well as studying politics? We have so many interests that create the individual in us but the universe seems to want to pull us from both sides and choose a specific course.

Since I have graduated college I still do not know what I want to do, specifically, with my life. I'm an artistic person, I express myself creatively, so the obvious choice was that I become a photographer full-time or graphic designer. I don't actually want to do be those things, though. I love photography. I have been photographing since I was fourteen and I have progressed as a photographer, photographing what I love. I capture moments and share them. Many people who know me love that I can capture a moment. There is feeling in my photos. As much as I love these compliments and joy photography brings me, I do not want to be a full-time photographer only. I love photographing, but I love writing as well. I enjoy writing short stories, creating characters, writing dialog, occasionally writing a few pages for a script. Should I be only a writer (not a bad idea, actually)? Then there is social media, which has become my greatest interest since I completed my studies (you think it'd be easier to find a job in social media, but it's actually quite competitive). Why are we forced to limit ourselves? Why can't we try to achieve everything? Better question: Why aren't we encouraged to want everything we want?

I want to continue photographing, designing, sketching, writing, reading, watching films, and exploring new social media formats. I don't want to stop one interest for another. Which is sad, really, because a few jobs I have interviewed for asked me, "Would you be willing to give up photography for this position?" Give up? Why do I have to give up something I am passionate about because this one job position doesn't involve in much photography? They saw it on my face that I wasn't going to (it's also unfair that they asked me this question because my face will immediately answer their question before my mouth does). I even told them that just because I'd be working there doesn't mean I'd stop photographing on the weekends or something. Maybe that's why they wouldn't give me the job. Corporate wanted me to give up one passion to focus solely on another. I love social media, but if I can't have photography then I know I wouldn't be able to fully be myself. It's like surrendering the largest chunk of my soul.

Remember when you were a kid and every other day you'd change your dream job from teacher to doctor to scientist to dancer to Hollywood movie star? Why do I have to change my passion of photography to only social media? I need art in my life. Art is in the photos I take, the films I watch, the characters I read about it. I can't just shut down one category of art to please or fulfill the function of a job position. This is possibly why no one will hire me because I do not want to do it. I can't help it. I want to keep everything in my life somehow (and it's a little absurd to ask if I'd be willing to give up something for a job. Does that person really think I could continue being creative if I just eliminate that from my life?).

I have encouraged myself to dream. I was practically a robot in college. I studied hard, went to all my classes, I was on time. I was the perfect student, in my mind. After receiving my degree and month after month of job searching I realized that I do not have to limit myself to what I got my degree in. I had a professor in college, he was an English professor, who probably didn't know it at the time, encouraged me to do whatever makes me happy. That I should do whatever makes me happy in life. I still do not know what I exactly want to be but I know what makes me happy. I love holding a DSLR, creating designs or being inspired by others creative works, writing nonsense, sketching lines, keeping up to date on the social networking, and watching movies I've been meaning to watch and finally getting around to. Not just one specialty makes me happy. I see no reason why I have to box in one happiness when I can have an infinite amount of joy from everything else.

Introduction

I have yet to figure out the scientific formula as to why whenever I listen to Daft Punk I always want to write something personal about my life and share it with the world so that they may judge me. For the past month Daft Punk just makes me want to spill my guts out to the world about my struggles, successes, pains, pleasures; other words that begin with S's and P's.

Here we are. Listening to "One More Time" as I type this introduction to whoever dares to read my musings. I'm sorry, I'm a bit of a goof and I tend to write how I feel as I feel it.

How do I feel about this? Well, I feel like this is the right thing to do right now. I have been unemployed for over a year. I have had two small job positions since I have graduated college in May 2012. As thankful as I am for those opportunities last year, I wish I were doing something more with my life. I find myself identifying my job position as Constant Job Seeker. It's exhausting. I am convinced writing cover letters is equivalent to giving away pieces of your soul.

I have written countless of cover letters to various job positions statewide, and nationwide. It gets more depressing as I write each letter. I have written in an enthusiastic format, hopelessly begging for the job position, to straight up pleading and reassuring the employer I would be a great addition to their team. I am literally prostituting myself to the masses. To the human resource department individual who probably snacks on a Butterfinger while laughing at my letter with their mouth full, crumbs flying everywhere. It is an embarrassing thing to do. It hurts.

Unfortunately it is something I have to accept. There will be and always have been other people out there who are more qualified for the job position than I am. What upsets me the most is that these are usually entry-level positions (positions that ask for five years of experience. Wasn't college enough experience?) and yet they do not want to give it to the ridiculously, job hungry college summa cum laude graduate. I pray for the opportunity to work, as well as wonder why they won't give me the chance. The more people that push me away, the more rejections, the more my self-esteem crumbles to becoming nothing but Butterfinger crumbs on a keyboard. I become nothing. My unemployment months expand to years to more unexperienced.

I am beginning to believe that employers enjoy tormenting graduates. I was a hard-working student in college. Busting my ass because I wasn't one of those students that wrote an 8 page paper two days before the due date. I didn't have the natural intelligence as other students did. I envy those people. They somehow have jobs. The bullshitters always succeed, remember that. Or, at least, it feels that way. I don't have anything against the bullshitters, they're great, but they are such good sweet talkers. I fumble during an interview. Perhaps I should have studied bullshitting in college. I missed something, didn't I?

After countless of thousands of dollars, I am here, writing this to you. Thinking of the loan I have to pay soon for my wonderful education, reminding myself to email someone again about a job, missing the classroom of a professor or two; sitting, becoming nothing, doing nothing: I am nothing.

Luckily, I am not nothing. I have had an interesting year of unemployment. Perhaps my skills are wasting away but I feel more alive than ever. I am awake to experiencing new things. This has actually been an exciting year for me. Despite the fact that I have no jobs offers or the fact that I feel dread whenever I look for jobs, I feel great about who I am. I have ideas of what I want to do with my life. Sometimes I want to go to grad school for writing or film (although I didn't do too well in my one film class, oops) or go travel and photograph. I want something more with my life. I am still mustering the courage to do so. I'll get there. It's a slow process, one I have loved watching myself growing from. This is exciting, isn't it?