I'm not quite sure what appropriate words I could use to formulate sentences with this next entry. Do I want to be poetic or honest? It's really my brother who has a way with words in the family, I'm just fumbling along. I know what I feel, just not how to explain.
Perhaps I could elaborate on what it is I feel. It has come to my attention that I have been, possibly always will be, a person who feels everything at once. I am an emotional absorbent sponge. My mind is constantly racing, thinking back to how I felt four years ago, last week, or how I'll feel in twelve days. I am all over the place. At times I don't consider this to be too much of a bad thing, but it can get me into trouble.
I am one of those people who refuses to forget any good thing that comes my way, as well as any wrong done to me. Forgive and forget comes to mind, but I don't live by that saying. I am the master of holding a grudge. I find it impossible to forgive people (it's an annoying feature of mine, but I can't forgive someone when they've injured my heart. But I will forgive someone for taking advantage of me for a class or favor. Repeatedly! Messed up, isn't it?). How does that even work? Why is my personality like this? This horrible part of me has surfaced more this past year and I don't like how it's actually taken hold of my sweetness (believe it or not, but I can still be a sweet person to someone).
Let me paint a picture for you: I used to be (and still can be) a bubbly-gooey-always-ready-for-a-hug-fun-loving kind of person. If we're going to be honest here, I love people, truthfully. I find people attractive. I love watching their mannerisms, the way they'll laugh after I've told a joke, even the way their faces crease when they're feeling any kind of emotion. I'm a studier. I study people. I have been studying people for as long as I could remember and that has aided me when it comes to making friends. I see what makes a person happy, therefore I want to make them happy. I'm a people pleaser.
Unfortunately that hasn't always been my greatest feature because once someone sees past my rough exterior (and I really can be a hard person to get to know if I'm in that kind of mood) they will use me to their hearts content. I never see this happening until I'm in the middle of doing something ridiculous to help that person. Why do I do this? Not only do I strive to please my friends, I am an extremely gullible person. I will believe everything you tell me because I have fallen in love with you (not love-love, but I love you deeply as a friend) and I want to believe in the best part of you. Doing whatever I can to help you is what I do when I enter a friendship with someone. You know what, someone should slap me in the face, because I'm stupid.
For years I have put my trust in the wrong people that I don't even want to try anymore. Loving people hurts, especially when they've dried you up and tossed you aside. I'm a lonely raisin. I could go on about this forever, but I've decided I'll discuss this more at a later post (possibly, I'm reluctant about this). Trust me when I say this: I need to learn to say "no" to people who don't actually love me. I'm learning. Hopefully. I don't want to be someone who gets taken advantage of. I don't consider my desire to help others as a flaw, but it's become my kryptonite.
Writing this, of course, has made me angry. I feel that because I feel everything I won't allow myself to experience the joy friendships bring to an individual. Being alone is easy but it's always quiet. I have no problem in loving myself, getting to know who I am and what I like, but I do miss sharing these thoughts with someone. I said I'm a person who feels everything, well I refuse to feel anything towards people. I have successfully built a "bitch please, leave me alone" double concrete walls around myself, just so nobody can hurt me again. Learning to appreciate myself this past year is awesome, but watching myself purposely pushing people away hasn't been all too fun. I let the wrong people in and damage my foundations, and as I'm trying to rebuild all the damage that's been done and the right kind of people want to get to me, I close the door.
Having this year to reflect on the wrongs I've committed and continue to commit opened my eyes that I need to accept the fact that people will hurt you, but a friendship can be a beautiful thing to have if I let it happen. I don't think I would have discovered this about myself if I hadn't had so much time to myself. I wish I was working, yes, but no repair can happen on my heart and body if I just jumped from college to working. I'd know the problem was there, but I'd be too busy to face it dead-on.
Think about it. If you didn't have to worry about work, payments, school, and actually took time, and I mean real time, for yourself you might actually realize that those problem you've been avoiding, allowing to build up for years, is actually eating away at you. Who has time to try and dig to the root of the problem? Well, I have had time. I want to control all the emotions I'm feeling and become this individual who loves herself and people. I know I said I love people, and I do, but I can hate them, too (rather strongly, also). I want to change.
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