I am reluctant to write this out to the blog-internet world. Solely for the reasons that there will be readers (friends, family, strangers, future employers) who will read this and possibly think wrongly of me. I do want to write this because I made a private, personal commitment that I would continue writing in this blog about the goings-on in my life. Unfortunately, I am torn on whether or not I wish to write the following of my day and past few weeks of my shortly employed life. Here goes nothing...
I began working as a contract design intern for a publication in late August of this year (I will not name which one it is, but those who know me actually know which publication I'm referring to). I had this gut feeling my stomach that, although, I wanted to work for this publication, I did not want to work for their initial offer of working for free (I'm paying my loans, I need money, too). But I decided that they will see my hard work and passion in everything I do that after the proposed three month period I would be offered a job where I'd actually be paid for my work. Wrong. If only I knew what was to await me days after signing on.
I will spare you all the details of my frustration of the hectic beginnings of my new employment, but I will say this: what did happen shouldn't have been handled the way it was.
Before I continue on, I want to say something about my personal thoughts of internships. I am not overly fond of the idea of doing work for free, but the idea of doing work for a small fee isn't such a bad thought (especially when you're still starting out). I am still torn about unpaid internships, but I am open to them, depending on the proposal. Still, I thought they would be like how my first official internship was. I was so blessed with that internship. I was introduced to people who didn't think of me as a student or an inexperienced individual. They saw me as their equal, they listened to me, and I listened to them. Of course there were times where there was miscommunication on both ends, but there was respect for one another; there was this belief and support we all had for one another. Man, looking back at it, it was like a dream. The most beautiful experience ever. I learned so much for my first internship. I miss the people I worked with, particularly my Boss Lady who had so much faith in me and my work that I felt such confidence in everything I worked on for them.
I carried this image with me. I carried the image that work would be enjoyable, like my internship. That there wasn't a hierarchy system, but a small family who saw each other as one another's equal. Now, I'm not saying my first internship was a perfect one. There were days where there was definite frustration and stress for the work we did, but we still got through it. The atmosphere in that department was so comfortable for me. I was sad when it was time for me to leave. But I did have to leave it so that I may enter the official "I'm an adult, time to find work" workforce. And I had this fantasy that there would be other places where I'd work with people who thought of themselves like a team, like a family. No place I have applied to since I've graduated has radiated that feeling.
So, I understand that we won't always be lucky. That it's almost impossible for us to struck gold twice, but I thought I could get close to it. For some reason I thought that with my new internship. I was wrong. I was not lucky. I was able to work from home, but I felt a resentment growing within me. I did my work, to the best of my abilities (and it turns out I'm actually not a bad designer and that it felt so natural to me to be working with design again), but there was a hostility developing between me and my employer.
And to those who know me, you know that I can be a sweet person, but I can be a very emotional (unfortunately I still need to learn to control that) and passionate person when angry. I was angry. I was angry because after my 50 hours of hard work I was treated as insignificant. As if everything I designed wasn't valid. I developed a beautiful structure, but it was covered with dry wall and insulation. I was pushed aside. At first, I was hurt, but eventually I talked myself out of that hurt and moved forward. "This is how internships work in different places. You're not there yet, Gaby," is what I played over and over in my mind; thoughts that came to me from my own voice to remind myself of my place in this system. Is that it? Am I really no one to this publication? I felt creatively restrained. As if a steel net was pining me down to the mud and every time I tried to rise up my back would bleed.
That is how I felt during the conversation with my employer. We met to discuss their evaluation of me. I made creative opinions (and I actually delivered them in a calmly fashion- which is a first for me since I can come off rudely, but this was polite for me. A bit blunt, but polite) and this person did not want to hear it. They did not want to hear the improvements to better their publication as a visual piece. I began thinking, "Why ask for my opinion if you don't wish to hear it?" It actually reminded me of college when I would get my critiques. Sometimes I didn't like them, but they did improve my artwork.
This person told me that I was at the bottom of their regard to creative opinion. Yes. This person actually said, "There's me, this person, that person, and all the way at the bottom is you." My opinion isn't valid because I am an intern. I felt insulted because of this. I know I am an intern, but I am also a creative individual, working to help them grow creatively. I want what I work on to be the best it can be. I've given creative input in my previous internship, and it was welcomed, and sometimes it was appreciated, but there were collaborations of creative opinions. Everything became successfully and beautifully made. I wanted to do the same for my current internship.
Unfortunately, this person did not listen to me. Nor would they let me speak. I breathed to calm myself because I felt so angry. I felt so little to that person. I felt as if I was chained in a cold, bleak dungeon, left alone but in range of hearing the wrongs I've committed to be locked up. I listened to this person, I saw their point of view, I acknowledged this. Still, I wasn't heard. I voiced my concerns, I voiced my opinion. It was as if it was all invalid. As if I had no right to feel the way I felt. I didn't feel safe for that moment.
Thankfully, my other brother (not Daniel, but Damon) was there to offer support (I asked if he'd come). I didn't ask him to defend me against my ex-employer, I didn't ask to be my voice when I could not speak (because there were moments when I couldn't). But I felt safer with his being there. I felt that security because I know God brings people in our lives who will always be there for us. And it was through my brother Damon that I was reminded that God was with me too. And that they would not leave me. I felt as if I had the majority of my family with me. My Father and my other brother and I had their love and support. Immediately I felt secure and a bit stronger.
I told this person I could not continue to work with them because I do not wish to be a part of something that does not work as a team, that doesn't see that I am significant with the work I do there. I know I'll always be the "lowest of the low" with whatever future job I get. I know there be times where I am in no place to have authority. But what I do know is that there will be times where I am a part of a team, part of a group of people who value my creative opinion and my actual presence. There will be people who do not see me as a someone who has to only fulfill a certain job. I will one day be a part of something where I am of value. I am of value to my Father, to my family, to my close friends, and I know the time will come when my work life will see the same.
I, of course, haven't told you the whole conversation I had with this person. I will (shamefully) say that I did lose my cool, but I never yelled. I will say that the individual also spoke harshly to me when I tried to get them to understand and listen to me. And I will say that I heard their opinion and I get it, but I do not condone the fact that they disrespected me because they thought they could because of my lack of experience.
I feel horrible for ending my contract with this person, but, thankfully, they gave me a way out and I have finished my work with them. I earned an offensive, small fee and I feel relieved but like a failure. I did not cry during this meeting with this person, I saved my tears afterwards. And now, I feel a bit numb to it. But, I feel that God is with me and only He knows what is right for me. Like Scarlett O'Hara said after admitting defeat when Rhett Butler leaves her, "After all! Tomorrow is another day!"
A little side note: I did not write this to gain your sympathy or to receive your anger. I did not write this so that you hate the person who injured me today or that you become upset with me for ending my employment. I wrote this because I believe other college graduates experience something like this or will experience something like this. I wrote this because I know there will be times where we feel lost because we've been let down by the people we thought we could trust. But I also wrote this as a reminder that there are people who will welcome you and the work you do. You are of value. I am, too.
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