I haven't written anything about the goings on with my life since the day (of or after?) I quit my internship with that horrible person. I was actually beginning to feel the symptoms of feeling nothing but incredibly worthless. Whatever I had to say, I couldn't say it. Or I believed I didn't have the right to say it. What right do I have to complain about the loss of an internship I quit? I complained (I wish I could say that I prayed or asked for a job, but really I complained because that's already how low I felt) for months about not getting any work and the chance I do, I quit. And why is that, Gaby? All because I believe I (nor should anyone else for that matter) shouldn't be pressed down (and I mean literally "pressed down" as if someone is pushing down on my shoulders to the ground kind of pressed down) to such low feelings. I felt worthless. There are no other words for me to choose from to describe it. Now, I don't want to whine about my unemployed life for this entire post, but I do want to say a few things about this debacle before I write about what's really been on my heart and mind.
I haven't cashed or deposited the $50 check the man "bestowed" (air quotations) me for my 60 plus hours of work. At first I thought, "Well... I guess money is money. I'll go to my bank and deposit it." Then I broke some bones in my toe (which was a ridiculous ordeal that is all my fault due to my idiocy), this prevented me from ever getting to my bank because I couldn't drive myself (right foot) anywhere for weeks. The man emails me (maybe a week and a half after we last spoke) and asks if the check was good or not and if he should meet up with me to pay me cash. That email just made me feel worse. Please be aware that I didn't want to write about this, but it's a contributing factor to why I'm feeling so low right now. I felt like this person I worked for just thought of me as a line on his checklist to get rid of. I wasn't fulfilling the "check off" for him on that list. I decided I wouldn't accept his money because I don't think I've earned it. I definitely believe I should have earned more than fifty bucks for all my work, but I haven't earned his money of failure. That check physically locks my body each time I see it, let alone touch it. It represents failure, pity, and so much negativity that experience and man left me with that I have refused to do anything about it. I refuse to have it in my life. So the check is relaxing in my notebook, dying of its worth. That man doesn't know my decision, but I'm sure he has figured it out by now that I do not want his money. I don't want anything more to do with that man or that experience.
I realize I sound a bit of an idiot for writing that. I don't think I wrote wrongly of the man I couldn't continue working with. But the feeling, everything about that situation, still hurts me. I can't accept money that carries such a negative weight and simply bring that mess deeper into my life. I realize my current situation; I am a broke 23 year old college graduate, but I couldn't break my heart or my soul with that man's money. Not many will understand why I feel this way about this, but I hope you'll support my decision either way. Maybe, I am foolish, but to me money isn't money.
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