Losing my internship has spiraled me into this state of inadequacy. It has definitely brought to me reflect on certain aspects of my life. There is quite a bit going on with me, and if I'm going to be honest I do not known where to even begin. I am reluctant to spill out my guts to you all, but there is one thing I have been on the fence about in terms of sharing. I'm in a corner, though. I am being compelled to confess this to you. Perhaps it will help me explain why I am the way I am, why I behave the way I do towards certain people I meet.
Women. Yep. I want to talk about my issues with women (and no, I am not attracted to women- although, I will say when a woman is beautiful, because I believe each woman have these moments of absolute beauty). For as long as I can remember I have always had trouble building and maintaining a friendship with women. The majority of my close friends are men. My best friend is literally my 26 year old brother and then there are my "adoptive" brothers that I feel comfortable sharing with. I'm not saying I trust men easily (if that were the case, I feel like I would have had a boyfriend by now, just saying), but I am more comfortable being myself with a man than I am with a woman. Why? Well, to be honest, women are bitches.
It's true! We are. I feel like we, women, are always in competition with one another to be better than the other at whatever thing. To rule or dominate something we feel we have right to take over. We take pleasure in our triumphs. I admit it, I do compare myself to another woman. Especially when I see a woman is more well liked than I am. But do I have a right to feel jealousy towards a woman who has more girl-friends than I do? Some people, and I don't know how, are born with this invisible-luring-bubble of a personality that's just so appealing to a person. I have been attracted to people who have this smile and positive air about them. Unfortunately, it has been with these people that I just won't connect well with because I am in some different, alternate universe than they are. How this happened, I do not know, but I'm always somewhere else with these people.
I am 23 years old, right? I do not have a female best friend. I have not called someone my best friend since I was in the 8th grade. That was almost 10 years ago. It's been a decade since I have called another female my best friend. I have had some pretty close female friends after the 8th grade, but high school was a shitty time for me. I would either have friends who used me for personal gain, or to pass a class, or I'd have friendships that would fizzle out because since we didn't have to see each other anymore, what is the point in planning days to see each other. Damn. My summers in high school were incredibly dull on the female friendship part. I had my guy friends, but like I said, I've always been comfortable with guys, but I had no female friends. I couldn't relate to anyone for everything.
And man, did I try with these girls. Being myself didn't work. When I was myself, completely unaware of my flaws (being chubby and not wearing any make up or cute clothes), a girl on my first week of high school- new high school- said to me, "Move it, you stupid fat bitch." We never acknowledged each other until that day, she didn't know me. I spent four years in the same homeroom with that girl. I don't know what I did to offend her, but since that day I was always trying to adjust myself a little to their (the high school-doucheyness population) need to accept me, whatever made them comfortable with me. It didn't work. Nothing worked. I became this person I hated in high school. Seeking the approvals of others, wanting them to accept me. But I was a quack in high school. I liked dressing comfortably, being goofy and making jokes; it took me 3 years to just accept the fact that I wanted to be me, not what they would accept me as.
Like I said, it was towards the end of my high school experience was when I began to realize I was being abused by the girls in my school for either being ugly (although I thought myself as pretty until they felt it their duty to remind me of my unattractiveness), too fat (ate my feelings more and more), dating one of "their guys" (to them he was gorgeous and I did not belong in that universe), or involving myself in situations I shouldn't be a part of, I was doing everything wrong and they made damn sure to remind of it every day for four years. Bitches.
Can I just say again how shitty high school was for me? It wasn't the only time I was emotionally abused by women in my life. I've been abused by women (even girls) since I was five years old. Emotionally abused, mind you. Mentally abused. I remember in kindergarten, vividly, I had to go to a new school because a teacher didn't like me in my previous one, so I went to another one. Ah! I mean, I was five... I didn't know I was being abused until I reached my 20s, but I was.
There was this blonde pixie haircut girl named Ashley (of course that was her name). I wanted to be her friend so badly. Why? No idea why when thinking about it now, but I remember her smile and how much of a natural she was when it came to making friends. I wanted to be friends with her since I left my old friendships behind when I changed schools. Here's the shitty part: in order to be her friend, I had to do things for her. I had to pretend to be her dog whenever we'd play. I could only respond to the name "Poop" and I had to get on my hands and knees whenever she wanted to sit down, so she could put her feet on my back. Like an idiot, I did all this for her. I was her friend. I was Ashley's friend! Even then, though, I knew I wasn't being treated right. How come she never wanted to get to know me? Why didn't she ever call me "Gaby" like I introduced myself as? "Gabby" would've worked if she preferred the American nickname as most people did since, apparently, my name is difficult to pronounce. But she didn't want to be my friend. She humiliated me. She never supported me. When I would color whatever ridiculous coloring assignment we had the wrong colors because I just loved being different from everyone else and be creative with the colors, she would out me to our teacher (and that woman hated me as well, she thought I was stupid). This girl had no interest in being my friend. I was her entertainment. She got off on my humiliation.
Alright, so I was 5 when all that went down. I couldn't have known I was actually being abused by someone. And I didn't know. I didn't hate her anything. I don't hate her now. I do think she's a bit of a jerk (amongst other bad words), but I don't hate her. I wish I could say that about the other women that entered my life soon after that.
Ready for another example? I had a neighbor friend who would get me into the biggest trouble a seven year old could get into. Crossing the street without my parents there, walking away from home, basically getting my mom worried. I knew it was wrong when she proposed the idea, just like how I knew, deep down, that the way Ashley treated me was wrong, but I did it. I did all those things, disobeyed those rules my mom told me to follow so I wouldn't get hurt or into deep trouble; I broke the rules so that way my friend would continue being my friend. I craved the friendship. I was ready to prove to this friend that I wasn't a baby anymore, like she repeatedly taunted me as, that I was a big girl like her and I wasn't afraid to cross the street. I was practically begging for her to be my friend, to like me. I would've done anything.
Now what does all this have to do with me now, presently? Well, a lot of what's happened to me in my childhood and youth have carried on into the beginning of my adulthood. I see myself becoming cruel like some of the girls I've mentioned. I actually took time to look back on each single thing these girls did to me and how they've shaped the person I am today. I am capable (in fact, we are all capable) of being an asshole/bitch to someone. I have been, I continue to do so at whatever chance I get. I do this to protect myself, because I can. But I don't want to be this way. My mishaps with women have attributed to the horrible person I have transformed into. I feel a bit bad I am specifically blaming women, but so much of the hurt I remember about those younger years all lead back to an event with a female. I know I've had bad situations with some guys, but none have left me so untrusting of people than my past ordeals with my lady friends.
Another example? Dare I continue? Well. In my teen years I began to actually build friendships with girls, these girls I considered to be my sisters. I felt that I finally developed friendships that would last me a long time. But like most girls, we all got boyfriends or crushes that are worth (in our minds, at least) time to dedicate all our hours to. Boyfriends changed us in our teen years; we're hormonal, we're gushy and all sickeningly, gooeyily in love that sometimes we forget our friendships. My friends got their boyfriends, but I began to be pushed away. Shelved. These girls I would call my sisters gave me no consideration. The hours we spent talking to each other, the confessions I've made of my previous hurt, the connection and bonding we built was gone. I am telling you, for seriously, we are just horrible to one another. My sisters left me deserted. I needed them to spill my guts to. I needed their advice, their ears to listen, their hearts to open to embrace. It was gone. I didn't think that when you call someone your best friend, and truly mean it, when you call someone your sister, that they would leave you so easily. Here's the best part about this feeling of abandonment: when they're coming back to you months, years later (and some have been years) and act as if the pain you experienced was nothing. Bullshit.
This all messed with my head. This mental confusion of being someone's friend and suddenly not. For stupid things really. I mean, a connection with another human being, whether it's romantic or friendly, is just incredible and something worth holding on to. I have my friendships that I have a deep connection with, but none of them are girls. The girls I know are either people I've developed a hatred for - because they've left me, never speaking to me again for Lord knows what reason (boy or new friends); or I have females in my life that have their own friendships and there isn't any room for me in their lives because they already have their fill of friendships. I saw something in relation to that the other day. It said something about how we'll want to be friends with someone but they already have their friends. I feel like I am too late in joining the best-girl-friend-friendship dance.
I don't trust women. Plain and simple. I purposely make it difficult to allow a woman to enter my life because I think we're pretty evil and capable of committing cruel things. But aren't we all capable of doing horrible things to others? No matter the sex of the individual? I bring this all up because although I've been abused by women for the longest time, I want to acknowledge men are just as capable of doing the hurting also (and trust me, some have).
I am so hesitant to be a woman's friend because I don't want them to be friends with me for the wrong reasons. I know a few women through my brother. That isn't to say I am not grateful for some of the truly remarkable, God loving women I've met thus far, but I want these women to be my friends because I am goofy-artsy-emotional-loud-movie loving-book reading-weirdo Gaby Rivas. Not because I am my brother's sister. I want a friendship with a woman who I can go to and confess my heart to, and they to me. I have my guy friends, but I want girl friends that aren't my mom (she's great, but she's my mom).
Being alone does make it "safer," but it doesn't heal anything in my heart. I feel a bit silly for what I'm about to type, but I am tired of "chasing" these girls. Seriously. I actually giggle at this because it makes me sound like I'm trying to "woo" them. Maybe, in a sense, I am. I want them to know I want to be their friends. I have reached out to them so many times that I am tired of only seeing the void. All attempts have ceased on my part. I am a human being. I am tired of pursuing a friendship with individuals (this time I am referring to both man and woman) who don't see the need for me in their lives. Why not add another person in your life? What's the harm in connecting one more time? I am ready for that risk. God knows it, but it's hard to keep my heart in this when I feel little enthusiasm for it anymore. I am tired, my heart is tired and I keep thinking back to the crummy times.
I am telling ya... Women are seriously complicated. That's why I act the way I do towards them. Hostile, because I don't trust their intentions. But I have to let someone in my life, don't I? Being a bitch to any person (man or woman) isn't going to nail me a friendship with them. I realize I need to change. I can't be like the girls and women that have abused me over the years. Just because I realized I am capable of hurting another person doesn't mean I have to act on it. God, I pray You can forgive me for the wrongs I have committed and sometimes continue to commit, well after realizing it. My heart is tired, but You know me. I am trying.
I'm sorry.
No comments:
Post a Comment